Monday, March 29, 2010

DeClutter a Kitchen, Then a Career

It's the beginning of Holy Week, which started for me as a participant in a noisy parade around the block in a small Chicago neighborhood. The congregation from St. John's Episcopal church banged on drums, shook rattles and there was even one guy playing a conch shell as we waved palms and celebrated. I love that church not only because the rector made a point of introducing me around when I was brand new and she showed up at the hospital with communion right before the first cancer surgery after I'd only known her a week, but also because they don't just have coffee hour, they have lunch. There's been more than one parishoner who's suggested it's a deal maker for new members.

Easter approaches and for me it's a reminder that it's possible to start over in any given moment, no matter what. My belief is founded rock-solid in a loving God who believes in us. That translates for me into a belief that we can always get in our own way but we can also cut it out and change without a lot of fanfare.

That has been my ongoing theme for the past few years. I decluttered my kitchen cabinets and freezer at first from all the food that I didn't even like. Five overflowing grocery bags later I realized there was very little in my kitchen that I would even want to eat. It kind of spoke to how well I looked after my own life at the time.

Clothes were next and I got rid of all of the pastel, the grey and the baggie. It wasn't a good reflection of how I see myself. Now, I'm all about the color and regardless of whether or not it's the 'thin' wardrobe or the 'not-as-thin' wardrobe, it all fashionably fits my form. It's all about living in the present moment.

There are two big categories left to clean up: career and a relationship. Fortunately, I have a lot of great friends who are fun and inspirational and that's something to build on to become more willing for that one perfect relationship, just for me. The career side is also not stone cold. There are three books and a national column but there's also plenty of clutter. This week I'm closing down everything that's not working or not needed and letting all of the various bits and pieces know about this blog if they care to see how all of this turns out.

Spreading myself thin and constantly asking for new advice was a way to not trust in God that it was all going to work out okay. It was my way of hedging my bets and frankly, it didn't work but it did wear me out.

So, I'm keeping up with the gym and looking for a 5k to run in June, noodling with the beginning of a new novel and looking for full time work in public relations here in Chicago. A plan with less clutter, more humility and allowing God some breathing room. Seems appropriate during Holy Week.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Just Because There are Angles to Work Doesn't Mean I Should Take the Bait

So, I'm keeping to my new mantra of 'follow the agent's advice' and I let the world know that there'd be no more 'Live Your Big Adventure' web site and no more weekly newsletter and the book was going in the deep freezer. Not going to pursue it.

Of course, lots of people suddenly wrote in to tell me how much the weekly email had meant to them. Even better, it was people I don't know. Then, some of the contributors from the site came up with great ideas on how to generate some possible income from the site. Suddenly, I was fraught with the temptation to try it.

However, some seed of recognition about my bad habits is growing inside my brain and I got a glimpse of what I was thinking from a new angle. Possible income isn't real income and right now I need real income. Plus, I had been asked the magic question. What type of writing makes your life better?

That was an earlier question so everyone was spared an email from me explaining this latest scheme as some kind of bait in the publishing waters to see if someone would bite. I kept it to myself, played with the shiny new idea for a minute or two and then some other, older memories came back to me.

I remembered being a successful stockbroker back in the 1980's for Merrill Lynch. Loved the people, loved the company, hated the job, each and every day of it. There was not one day that I walked into that job, sat down and thought, I could do this for the rest of my life. I was always thinking, please God, let me get through this day in one piece. However, I broke the office record for a first year broker and was leading the pack, winning all kinds of prizes. Everyone thought I had found my calling. I was the only one who knew how miserable I was and by my own bad judgment based on what others thought I should be doing. The day I finally quit so I could start to write felt like being let out of prison. None of that was the company's fault. It was all on me.

My greatest thought after that was it wasn't enough to be good at something or even to make a pile of money off something. You had to at least like it.

I never saw all of the various writing projects as their own form of temptation before, but it's true, they were and I chased them all eagerly. Just getting them seemed at the time like a justification, which it was now that I've learned a justification is just a bridge between the truth and a lie.

But I'm keeping my word this time and changing. You'll see.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

First I Tried It My Way, Over and Over Again

First of all, I managed to make it pretty far on force of will. I'm 50, have a grown son and three published books, plus a syndicated column read by millions. Only problem is the bank account is brushing along the bottom and I can't keep thinking that some magic is going to happen if I just keep trying out different angles.

Very patient agents have told me on more than one occasion to pick a genre and stick with it. But, mixed in with my love of writing was a need to prove something and the need always won.

That's why I have a thriller, a book that's southern fiction and a memoir plus a column on current affairs every week and another on life in general. You can see a pattern in my lack of a clear plan. Everything has received critical praise and the readers who've found the books, loved them. But I never stuck around long enough in a category to build the audience any further than that. It was like I was building great foundations to houses without ever putting up walls and then wondering what happened.

Enough already. Faith in theory is exhausting and childish. Big girl faith requires doing what's right and then nothing more. My old way wasn't leaving any room for God. My new journey is going to open that up a bit.

Besides all that folderol, I recently survived two separate bouts of cancer. The first one was absolutely, positively supposed to kill me, but I'm still here and I know it's by the grace of God. The doctors were so convinced the news after the surgery would be bad they told me to sit down because they were sure the good news would shock me.

So, enough of my headstrong ways. I can change and when I say I want to be of service, actually mean it and practice it. Of course, a good part of the time I'll still be figuring out what that means but the willingness is there and my feet will hopefully follow.